Friday, July 16, 2010

Maxims from a Vertically-Challenged Life

    Three-quarter sleeve blouses are best.

    Beware of thirty-inch inseams.  Twenty-nine is the magic number.

    Kitchen cupboards are designed for taller people.  Old kitchens are designed for giants.

    It’s hopeless to find anyone in a crowd.

    Everyone over the age of twelve will be taller than you.  Get used to it.

    Tall people are for reaching things.

    You are forever consigned to the middle seat if the truck has bench seating and there are two passengers.

    When you’re older and if you’re lucky, lack of height can be mistaken for youth.

    When you’re young and if you are unlucky, adults will think you are even younger.  Being mistaken for thirteen at twenty-two is not fun.

    Shorter people need fewer calories.  It’s not fair.

    A better word for “short” is “petite,” which, handily enough, also connotes “slender.”

    It is very unsettling to look down at another adult when you are used to looking up.  In fact, if you look up long enough, you can fool yourself into thinking you aren’t so short because the kink in your neck feels normal.

    For an instant boost in self-confidence, wear heels.  If heels are not your thing, try shoes with one or two-inch rocker soles.  Then you can pretend you are actually almost five foot four.   

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