Dear Anne

Dear Anne,

It’s almost nine years since you took your last breath and flew off to meet Jesus.  I’ve never stopped missing you.

Remember your little black rolling bag that you took to conferences?  I’ve had that bag these nine years and only used it a few times. But recently, as a newly hired adjunct for Rogers State University-Bartlesville, I started using it to transport my notebooks and textbooks for the two classes I teach.

One day, the bag started to catch as I pulled it.  I didn’t know what was wrong until, at home, a large chunk of plastic fell off:  an essential piece that helped keep one of the two wheels aligned.  There was no way to fix the bag, so I threw it away—rather sadly, I must say, for every time I used it I thought of you.

Though I still have many more mementos you left me, I don’t need them to remember you.  How could I ever forget the older sister who terrorized me as a child and who became my beloved friend as an adult?  You were fiercely intelligent, strong, and opinionated.  You were loyal and brave.  Underneath the brazen exterior, though, lived a wounded heart.

The day after you died from ovarian cancer, I cried and howled like I never had done before nor have done since.  It was so hard to have you gone after being by your bedside every day for two months.  Yet I was also relieved for you to be free from the agonizing pain you suffered.  It wasn’t until I had breast cancer in 2016 that I understood more of what you had gone through in your three years of ovarian cancer treatment. 

I miss you every day--especially on holidays when we would call each other--and, of course, on your birthday (June 20) and death day (October 3). Every year that I live past 56—the age at which you died—feels like a bonus gift. 

Someday, we will be reunited in heaven, and I will get to know you as a completely healed person, who God always intended for you to be.  You will be the Anne I always knew, yet also the Anne I can only imagine, free from sin’s harm and bondage.  We will laugh and reminisce and share our exuberance over Jesus, the great healer.

Love,

Your little sister, Janis

My Greatest Need

            On page eighteen in Rick Warren’s book, 40 Days of Prayer, were two questions: “What are you lacking in your life simply because you’ve never asked God for it?  What is your greatest need?”

            My written prayer response on February 23, 2018, was brief but heartfelt: “My greatest need and what I’m lacking in life is energy.  Most of the day I rest—wasting hours on Kindle and the Internet (instead of spending time in the Word).  I want the energy to fulfill God’s purposes in my life.  Forgive me, Father, for wasting time.”

            Naturally, my vision for God’s answer was far different than His.  Though I lacked the faith to really believe God was going to restore the energy I lost to fibromyalgia over twenty years ago as well as the energy I lost to cancer treatment two years ago, I hoped for a miraculous answer delivered immediately.

            However, what followed was not what I expected.  Having recently recovered from influenza and a sinus infection, I was hoping for health.  Instead, what followed was hard-hitting seasonal allergies, an ear canal infection, an eye infection, and then a severe outbreak of what I did not know.  A biopsy revealed atopic dermatitis (a type of eczema), the treatment for which was a high dose of steroids (60 mg) for three weeks. The dermatitis disappeared, I temporarily felt great, and then came the month of tapering the steroid dosage.  Once I hit 20 mg per day, the eczema reappeared with a vengeance, and my energy tapered down to zero, just in time for the birth of my granddaughter on May 24. 

            It was horrible to be unable to help my daughter and her family.  Just walking across the street to their house was almost more than I could manage.  Fortunately, they managed with the help of friends while I rested in my recliner at home and took multiple naps in my bed every day.  A month later, after the itching became ferocious, I decided to go back to my dermatologist.  She explained that the next line of treatment would be oral chemotherapy.  I could not face that. I decided to try a detox diet developed by Dr. Mark Hyman, who, by the way, was a co-author of another Rick Warren book, The Daniel Plan.

            The next day—Wednesday, June 27—I started the process of giving up coffee, which took a week.  But I immediately jumped into all other aspects of a new way of eating:  organic fresh, non-starchy vegetables; a little bit of organic fresh fruit; lean meats; and proteins such as farm-fresh eggs, tofu, nuts, and seeds.  That was it.  I quit dairy, gluten, sugar, artificial sweeteners, and artificial flavorings and preservatives. 

            Within a week--though my eczema was no better and the itching was just as intense--I noticed something unusual:  fatigue had disappeared along with most of my usual aches and pains.  I had energy I wasn’t used to.  All through July, August, and now into September, the old fatigue has not returned, my thinking is clearer, and I no longer live in my recliner.   On August 2, a job fell into my lap:  as of August 21, I am teaching two composition classes at Rogers State University, Bartlesville campus.

            That’s a lot of history to put you through, but it is for a purpose.  Clearly, God answered my prayer asking for energy.  However, it was not the way I thought it would be.  I did not expect to sink down into more health issues and a greater fatigue than I had ever known before, but that is what it took to get me to do my part (about which I was clueless).  I know that God can heal instantly and miraculously, but often His purposes require our response, too.  The hardest things, it seems, are intended to bless us through growing our character if we cooperate with Him.  There is no way I could exercise the self-control it takes to stay on my limited diet on my own; I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit is helping me every single day. 

            By the way, the eczema has slowly improved, and I have hope that the sores and the itching will disappear in the coming months as I continue a healthy diet.  But even if they don’t, I have what I lacked and sorely needed:  energy to fulfill God’s purposes in my life.