Brutal

 Cytoxan and Taxotere are doing a number on me. Brutal beyond anything I ever imagined. My back feels knotted up in cramps with occasional knife stabs of pure pain. I hobble around with unsteady knees and achy hips. There is no comfortable position, even in my memory foam bed and recliner. The back of my neck is stretched. My shoulders hurt. All is pain.

Last night was endless. Sleep for an hour, wake up in terrible pain, ease out of bed to use the bathroom, lie down again to cramping and knife stabs, somehow sleep another hour.

The cramping and pain attacks started Saturday, were in full force yesterday and overnight, and continue this morning. It is 6 am and here I sit at my computer, which is another pain perspective. Headache, with occasional icepick stabs, my spine wearies from sitting up.

Yes, it is bad. My arms are dead weights, my legs are kind of floppy. And the pain does not stop.

Earlier, I put myself in the surround sound of my headphones listening to Give Me Jesus, a Fernando Ortega album. His soothing voice helps as does the praise, though I don’t know that I can praise when I’m in such pain.

When I attempted breakfast at four am, my cinnamon keto bagel was not so good as usual. I ate it for the high fiber content. Coffee was blah. I may need to give it up. I need to eat vegetables, but they sound too harsh and gross. Heartburn pressure resides in the center of my chest. My knuckles hurt as I type.

Yesterday I gave up on the range of motion exercises, though I did my stretches to prevent lymphedema.

Later I will call a triage nurse for suggestions. Heat? Ice? Distraction, if possible?

Just to let you know . . . usually, side effects get worse with each treatment. Please pray for me.

PS. Now it is close to 10 am and I’m trying to understand what has happened. After writing at 6 am, I retreated to my chair, slept for a while, and then got up to go rest some more in bed, eventually waking up around 9 am. Here’s what I don’t understand: during my sleep it was like a switch was turned off. I’m left feeling beat up, achy, and sore, but the pain attacks seem to be turned off for now. I hope this continues!