All Things Considered

Considering my circumstances, the news yesterday couldn’t have been better. Not only will I have just four rounds of chemotherapy, but all of it can be done here locally in Bartlesville. Chemo will be once every three weeks, starting next week. I do not have the exact schedule yet, but I should be done before Christmas.

Here are a few more details to help you understand why this is such good news. First, I will not have a port. Chemo will be administered in my right arm, which should be able to handle four infusions. Plan B--if there is a problem with finding a good vein for the IV--is to have a pic line put in for the infusions. Second, three months of chemo is about half the length of the treatment I expected to have. And, of course, the huge plus is getting this done locally instead of having to go to Tulsa (an hour away).

I must admit that I did not feel happy after yesterday’s appointment, though. Once I was back at home, the reality of starting chemo settled in. Reading the information about the drugs I’ll be receiving, including the long lists of possible serious side effects with the worst one being death, was sobering. It brought back memories of just how sick I was last time. The “sick” is hard to describe: bodily pain, exhaustion but inability to sleep well due to the steroids that fight inflammation, nausea, difficulty eating and drinking, and the foggy “chemo” brain. There was also a strange sense of not feeling like myself.

It's sobering, depressing, and another reminder of my mortality. Without Jesus, I could not bear going through all that again. I never “fought” cancer the first-time round. All I could do was lean into Jesus—I don’t know how to describe that, but it was very real—and trust all possible outcomes to him. That is the only way I know to get through this.