Timeline

Friday, July 5, 2024

Lump discovered. Tried to schedule a mammogram myself but mentioned the lump, only to learn that I needed a doctor’s referral for a diagnostic mammogram. Appointment with my ARNP. Referral for mammogram sent. Received a scheduling call and found out the referral was incorrect: instead of diagnostic mammogram, it said screening mammogram. Called doctor’s office to ask for another referral.

Long weekend . . .

Monday, July 8, 2024

Received a scheduling call and asked for the soonest appointment possible. Result? 11 a.m. on July 16.

Long week . . .

Tuesday, July 16, 2024

The mammogram technician took multiple views. The radiologist requested an ultrasound. The ultrasound technician had difficulty locating the lump. In consult with radiologist, no one said the “C” word, but he recommended a biopsy and suggested I schedule with breast surgeon. Imaging sent to my primary care to do the referral. I left a note with information at the doctor’s office. Unfortunately, my note led them astray.

               

That week . . . (lost track of days)

A call from doctor’s office that referral was rejected by OCSRI (Oklahoma Cancer Specialists and Research Institute) because they do not perform biopsies. I gave the nurse what was listed online as the breast surgeon’s contact information (in Tulsa).

Call from imaging to schedule me for biopsy locally. Declined, determined to reach the breast surgeon.

Could not find breast surgeon’s office or even phone number despite multiple calls to Ascension St. John’s, Tulsa. Was eventually referred to hospital scheduler and found out that the breast surgeon rarely does biopsies, but he could schedule me for one with someone else at St. John’s in Tulsa. I said, “No thanks,” called the Bartlesville hospital and scheduled. (Why drive the hour to Tulsa when I could have the biopsy locally?) The soonest appointment was July 31^st at 1 p.m.

Gradually realized I had been given incorrect information from radiologist. Temper rose.

 

Wednesday, July 31, 2024

“Lesion” of about one centimeter at the 3 o’clock position very close to chest wall, requiring radiologist to perform biopsy from side instead of top. Learned during pre-biopsy conversation that the last time he had done a breast biopsy was in May. A little rattled, but I put up a good front. Second try was successful, but he forgot to leave the marker, so had to do a third entry. (Fortunately, the local anesthetic worked well.) Radiologist or technician said my doctor’s office would call me when they received the pathology lab report.

Long weekend . . .

Tuesday, August 6, 2024

Called doctor’s office to see if lab report was in. It was, but since my primary care person would not be in until Wednesday, it could not be given to me. (He had to see it first.)

 

Wednesday, August 7, 2024

Stopped by doctor’s office. Pathology report is not yet available to me. Received call in the late afternoon that it was in and I could pick it up in the morning.

 

Thursday, August 8, 2024

Picked up pathology report. Sat in car to read it. It didn’t seem right, only reporting that my estrogen and progesterone receptor classifications were negative. Drove into work and read through it again. Noticed it was titled “Addendum Report Surg.” Realized I must be missing the main report.

Finally did what I should have done (but never thought of) in the first place on July 5: called Tulsa OCSRI to schedule an appointment with my oncologist who treated me for breast cancer eight years ago. Received an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9 am!

Fear and Peace?

Fear slammed into my soul Sunday night with these words:  Recurrence of breast cancer is usually more aggressive and more likely to metastasize quickly.

I prefer knowing to not knowing when it comes to medical information, and this came from a reliable source. So, no; I do not regret learning this even though it frightens me.

On my drive to work Monday morning, I gave voice to my fear. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I told God all about it and asked him to help me remember that no matter my feelings—and no matter the outcome—he is always my loving Father. And then I realized that his peace was still with me.

In my office at Good Shepherd, the two things I’m working on are sermon preparation for August 11 and reading in Sailboat Church: Helping Your Church Rethink Its Mission and Practice for our August 6 Session (translated: Board) meeting.

I’ve never preached on 1 Kings 19:1-8 before, so I’ve been reading various commentaries on those verses. In The Communicator’s Commentary: 1-2 Kings, was this sentence: “Of course, being afraid is no sign of weakness; it is the response to fear that reveals character.” My response: Wow!

But God was not done underscoring his message to me yet. In Sailboat Church, there was an entire paragraph in chapter 3 that gob smacked me. I’ll quote most of it and add emphasis in places:

Through this Advocate [the Holy Spirit], Jesus also gives us peace beyond anything the world can give. The peace that the world gives is a fragile thing built on a foundation of favorable circumstances, plentiful resources, success, and good fortune. The peace that the Holy Spirit brings to believers, however, flourishes in the hardscrabble soil of struggle, danger, weakness, and lack. This peace is built on the foundation of trust and hope in God, who never forsakes the believer. . .. Peace comes not because we are strong but because the Holy Spirit enables us to believe that God is strong.

Today, almost a month since I discovered the lump, is my breast biopsy. And then will come more waiting for the lab results and diagnosis. I’m going to remember that even when (or maybe especially when) I’m afraid, God is strong.

 

The Beginning

      “That’s strange,” I thought to myself. “I don’t remember a crease there.”

                A couple weeks later, it occurred to me that the crease could be a warning sign. To my dismay, my fingertips landed on a small bump leading to a firm mass. I called the office and, to my surprise, got a same-hour appointment. I hurried off to get there in time.

                “I think I have a lump,” I told my new ARNP, and asked for a diagnostic mammogram referral. Then came the week of waiting until my appointment.

                Just like last time—eight years ago—I was quite sure. Sure enough that I told my daughter and son as well as my pastor and church about it and asked for their prayers.

                Just like last time, I pondered how this would affect my life. Immediately, the Author of peace was with me, and the prayer I had prayed for months was answered: “Help me love You more.” Even though I knew from experience the kind of physical suffering that is likely ahead, I found myself singing praises to God, so grateful for His Love, so amazed by his glory.

                Then came today, July 16, 2024. I went in to work as usual, though it was only an hour before I needed to head off for my appointment. What could I get done in an hour? That was easy to answer: continue to read the chapters in Ephesians that precede my sermon text for July 28^th. I marveled at the privilege to center my heart and mind on God’s Word as part of my vocation as a commissioned pastor.

                Having already decided to take the rest of the day off no matter what I would learn, I left the office.

                The mammogram was not as painful as I had predicted, and the technician was both kind and professional. I was not surprised when the radiologist wanted a follow-up ultrasound done. Down the hall I went, and my care was transferred to the ultrasound technician. She, too, was easy to talk to and thorough in her job. Then I sat and waited for the consultation with the radiologist. During the short waiting periods between mammogram and ultrasound and then ultrasound and the consultation, I silently praised God and asked for his continued presence no matter what I was about to learn.

                The radiologist asked the technician to bring up the clearest ultrasound image of the “new tissue.” It was strangely shaped, kind of reminding me of a rather square hourglass, except the perimeter was bumpy. I forgot to ask about its size and the BIRADs rating, but he did say a biopsy was the next step. He and the technician were almost apologetic. I was thankful for their expertise.                 

                The last time I had cancer was in 2016, and that is when I also experienced the “peace that passes understanding” during the grueling treatment that took almost a year. Thus, I know that this waiting time for the biopsy and then for the various imaging and tests that will likely follow before treatment is the easiest part. I can still work and still feel like myself. The chemotherapy will make me feel like I am not myself. There will be twinges of nausea and mind-numbing fatigue along with pain that is impossible to describe. I don’t know what the mastectomy will be like; my previous lumpectomy was pretty much a breeze. But probably the surgery will come first this time.

                After my appointment was over, I went out to my car. First, I called my daughter. Then I called my pastor. When I got home, I told my son. As the day continued, I let my brothers, my church congregation, and a couple local friends know by text, phone call, or email that I have cancer again, and I’ll notify my friends who are not on Facebook in the coming days. I still feel peace, though I know harder days are ahead. This diagnosis rocks my world and changes everything about the coming months, but no matter the outcome, God will be my strength.

Let's (Not) Roll

 A sudden sense of impending doom woke me early Friday morning. I quickly rolled out of bed. Too quickly.

Gasping in pain, I found myself on all fours on the floor. The large wedge pillow on which I sleep to counteract GERD was partially beneath me, the bedside water bottle on the floor, my knees and hands on the hardwood floor. Sharp pain stabbed my knees and left thumb. Yes, left thumb.

An hour or so later, I was showered, dressed, and waiting at the front door for my ride. The colonoscopy yielded good news—no polyps—but I am waiting for Tuesday’s appointment with my primary care physician to get the verdict on my now-unusable left thumb.

Fifty Years Later

            Fifty years ago—the Tuesday before Thanksgiving—I took my first plane trip, flying from Grand Rapids, Michigan to New York City. A blizzard in Cleveland, Ohio almost forestalled Mom and me from reaching our destination, but finally the weather cleared enough for our connecting flight to take off. 

            It was a mad dash in a taxi from the airport to Planned Parenthood.  We were hours late for my appointment, and it was almost time for the clinic to close for the day, but they took me in anyway.

            Yes, you’ve guessed right: I was there for an abortion.  I’ll spare you the grisly details.  Suffice it to say that afterward we picked up a few prescriptions for me and spent the night in a rather awful motel room.  The next day we flew back home, and on Thursday our family celebrated Thanksgiving.

            Fifty years later, I’ve decided that my baby was a girl named Charlotte.  Fifty years later, I still regret aborting her and wonder what she would have been like.  Fifty years later, my grief and shame have softened, making it possible to mark this anniversary publicly.

            Here is what I want you to know:  abortion may seem like the only solution when you face an unwanted pregnancy.  It may make logical sense, if you don’t think about the life within you as a real baby.  It may solve some short-term problems, but it leaves you with lifelong damage. 

            I was left with a damaged cervix that almost resulted in miscarriage of my second living child.  I was left with emotional trauma, depression, and shame that still bog me down at times.

            I am aware that some women claim that their abortions were liberating, but I sense that there are many more who suffer silently for a lifetime.  Here is what I want to say: abortion hurts women.  Even fifty years later.

To My Conservative Friends: Be an Informed Citizen

 

            For months before the election, President Trump warned America of the dangers of mail-in voting and widespread fraud. Hence, he advised his constituents to vote in person on election day.

            At the same time former Vice-President Joe Biden encouraged mail-in voting in as an option to avoid crowds at the polls and thus lessen the spread of covid-19.

            It should be no surprise that Republicans by and large cast their votes on election day, while Democrats utilized mail-in voting to a great degree. The election laws in some states prohibited the counting of mail-in ballots before election day.  Therefore, they were counted after the in-person votes.  The result was not surprising: mail-in ballots shifted the tide in several key states from a Trump victory to a Biden victory.

            Thereafter, President Trump has cried fraud and had his legal team mount many court challenges in various states.  All but two of the thirty challenges have been cast down by judges, many of whom are Republicans.  Yet, he persists in his accusations.

            Right-wing news media promotes the president’s conspiracy charges.  However, fact checks show time and again that claims of fraud have no verifiable evidence despite the numbers and statistics that are claimed.

            In the meantime, the Trump administration refuses to cooperate with the smooth and peaceful transfer of power.  As a result, president-elect Biden does not have access to vital security briefings.

            Voting is a hallmark of American democracy, as is freedom of the press.  Throughout his presidency, Trump has accused the media of spreading “fake news.”  However, it is important to have both conservative and liberal voices heard.  If we lose that freedom, we may lose democracy as well.

            Read the news and listen to the news, all of it.  Follow the liberal news outlets as well as the conservative ones.  Try listening to international news coverage of our election as well.  When you see alarming statistics, check their source.  Look for proof from independent sources. Be an informed citizen.

What is a Christian to Do?

            Over the past four years, I have been more interested in politics and current events than ever before in my life. I’ve struggled to understand various perspectives and wondered what propels Christians, in particular, to embrace diverse views. 

            That is what propelled my interest in the reprint of an April 19, 1985 Christianity Today article by J.I. Packer, a well-known evangelical theologian, who died this past July.  “How to Recognize a Christian Citizen” appears in the September 2020 edition of the magazine. Because the article struck a deep chord in me, I wish to attempt a summary of it.

            Packer begins by briefly reviewing what is said about “civic obligation” in the New Testament and then moves on to thoroughly define what he calls “three [misguided] developments in modern Christendom.” First is “[t]he politicized intentions of some Christian relativists” who lose sight of the Gospel as they promote social justice.  Next, he reviews “[t]he pietistic inhibitions of some Christian absolutists,” those who accept the Bible as God’s inerrant word and seek to live holy lives but eschew political involvement. Finally, he describes “[t]he political imperialism of some Christian biblicists” as those who hold fast to the Gospel but misconstrue their involvement in the political process as “the modern equivalent of holy war in the Old Testament, in which God called upon his people to overthrow the heathen and take their kingdom by force.”

            What then, are Christians to do when it comes to political engagement? Packer outlines five possible ways to exercise “responsible commitment”:

1.      Everyone should stay informed about current issues and candidates.

2.      Everyone should pray for our elected officials.

3.      Everyone should vote.  He exhorts Christians to vote “by issues rather than personalities, and not by single issues viewed in isolation, but by our vision of total community welfare.”

4.      Some “should seek political influence by debating, writing, and working within the political party with which they are in nearest agreement.”

5.      Some “should accept a political vocation.”

            Packer ends his article with a lengthy quotation from The Christian Citizen by Sir Frederick Catherwood, which urges humility in our service to humanity out of love for God.   

            Packer’s writing helps us identify potential pitfalls for Christians today. He reminds us to hold fast to our faith while seeking to influence the world around us for good.  He encourages us to be informed and exercise our right to vote. Amidst the “us versus them” divisiveness that abounds today and threatens to split our country and even our churches, let us remember the Great Commandment.  Let us speak and write with respect and civility toward those with whom we disagree.  Let us remember that Jesus calls us to love without exception and seek His Kingdom first, even when we disagree.