What About Fear? (written May 31st)

I read a lot of cancer blogs on Facebook. A recurring theme is fear: before and after treatments and scans, daily fear, fear of recurrence. There is a lot of anxiety around cancer and rightly so. It upends your life, causes pain and suffering and trauma, and is unbelievably hard.

So why am I not afraid most of the time? My nature is to worry and be fearful. And there are times when I do get anxious/afraid, but those seem to be the exceptions rather than the rule.

I know why I am not afraid. Because of God. I don’t really know how he keeps me from being fearful about cancer. But I am immensely grateful.

The first time I found out I had cancer was in May 2016. God took that opportunity to bless me with joy. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, listening to music, and weeping with joy. Strange reaction, right? I was not happy about the diagnosis, but I was filled with Holy Spirit joy.

Admittedly, when I learned the specifics (Stage IIIb triple negative breast cancer), I was initially very afraid of both the cancer and the upcoming treatment: chemotherapy, lumpectomy, radiation.

Early in the chemotherapy treatment cycles, I went to a worship service with my daughter. Someone prayed for me and confidently declared that I would not ever have a recurrence. I trusted that and never worried about the cancer coming back.

And it didn’t—until the summer of 2024. I recognized the signs early, got the diagnosis (Stage IIa triple negative breast cancer), and then had a mastectomy followed by four rounds of chemotherapy. I read the pathology report from the surgery and noted I was at high risk for recurrence. I decided I did not want to waste my life worrying, and I didn’t.

The recurrence came in the summer of 2025, disguised as a pleural effusion. It was the same cancer but only in the pleural fluid. And terminal (Stage IV). My oncologist started me on a palliative care treatment that is working brilliantly to ward off more cancer and extend my life.

No one should ever feel bad about having anxiety and fear alongside cancer. That is a normal response. I hope that when I have written about not being afraid that it does not put off those who do fear. I am simply thankful that God has given me peace and joy that conquer fear.

Blessed is the Lord;

He carries us day by day

God our salvation

 (Psalm 68:14, New English Bible)