Part One: On the Road to Healing

Discovery

            I couldn’t get to sleep.  Remembering that it had been months since I had done a breast self-exam, I did one for distraction’s sake.  To my surprise, I found a hard, pecan-sized lump.  And then I fell asleep.

            That was on April 20.  Today is May 15.  I’ve had plenty of time to think, to do oodles of Google searches, and to pray while I wait for my May 27 mammogram and ultrasound.  There has been a certain amount of anxiety pushing my Internet education.  I check my lump daily.  It is a little uncomfortable.  I’ve learned about cysts, benign tumors, and malignant tumors.  I know a little bit about fine needle aspiration, core biopsy, and stereotactic biopsy.  Yet, stronger than any worry is the certainty that I am in God’s hands.  His love fills and surrounds.  No matter the outcome of the imaging, all will be well.

Back Stories

            To most tales there is a back story, and mine is no different.  First, let’s go way, way back to my early teen years and the first self-breast exam I ever did.  Instead of peace, there was panic.  “Oh my God!  I must be riddled with cancer!  What am I going to do?”  The answer was simple:  nothing.  If I told anyone about my horrific discovery, it would become real.  Just thinking about it, though, made me feel like some tragic heroine, bravely and silently facing her end.  However, that did not last long because a flash of understanding broke through my melodramatic despair:  there was no tumor.  I was feeling my ribs!

            The real back story to this abiding sense of peace started with an unearthing of long-ago trauma and search for healing.  I am a firm believer in God’s desire to bring wholeness and healing.  The Holy Spirit digs up buried pockets of pain and sin at the perfect times in our lives so wounds can be lanced, drained, and healed if we are willing to cooperate with Him.

Kingdom Mindset

 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.  ~Romans 12:2

            First this morning of April 7, 2016, was an eye-opening conversation with my daughter.  Next was the afternoon women’s Bible study class including a reference to Romans 12:2, which pretty well summed up the morning dialogue.  And, finally, this evening I am ready to stop running and face this verse head on.

            You see, I’ve been running away from myself these first few months of 2016.  Some old trauma has resurfaced, compounded by the death of two friends back on Whidbey Island and three almost-acquaintances from Colby, Kansas.  (My definition of an almost-acquaintance is someone you may have talked with, known by sight, or known someone else who knew them.)  In other words, I’ve been avoiding the grieving I need to do.

            Instead, I’ve been numbing out with food, You Tube videos, and novel reading.  I find my happiness fixes with the grandkids, but then I come home and the malaise returns.  I need some focused prayer sessions to work through my grief and rediscover the joy that intimacy with Christ brings. 

            The only way I know to let Christ transform my thinking and being is to be honest with myself and with Him.  The general process starts with taking the time to experience my emotional pain so I can genuinely release it and myself to God’s care.  Along with that goes repentance of my sins related to the issue at hand and forgiveness of those who have harmed me. 

            It is so easy for me to gradually distance myself from God without even realizing it.  After all, I’m reading my lessons for Bible Study Fellowship, Sunday School, and women’s Bible study, and I’m serving in the church, in the community, and in my family.  But what about talk time with God?  That seems to slip away so easily.  Without that personal time in prayer every day, especially the praising part that transforms my mindset, I get negative and depressed and muddled in my thinking.

            Surely, the desire to live in communion with the triune God (how amazing that He loves us and wants us to simply be with Him!) should surpass all my mind-numbing time wasters.  If I want to have my mind renewed and my life transformed, then it’s time to put Romans 12:2 to the test. 

Postscript:  Immediately after writing this, I poured my heart out to God.  He took my burden of grief and turned it into intercessory prayer and heartfelt praise.  Through the Holy Spirit I learned something new:  when I am burdened down, if I take everything to Him in prayer, not only does He bless me with His presence, but He also turns the burdens into intercession that He can use for the good of others.  Isn’t God amazing?

Doorways to Prayer

On April 16, I decided to take another step toward emotional healing and had two friends who are trained in the practice of healing prayer pray with and for me.  During that hour together, I received fresh insight into the depth of God’s love for me.  I could picture Jesus surrounding me with the shield of His love, even and especially in times of trauma.  Psalm 3:3 became a living Word to me: “But you, LORD, are my shield!  You are my glory!  You are the one who restores me” (CEB).  I forgave those who hurt me.  I repented of my resentment toward them.

            Silly as it may seem, I started to pray in the doorways inside my home.  They represented the step from what was behind me to what is ahead of me.  Asking God to open the eyes of my heart, I continued to receive the awesome, healing love of the Father and moved from age-old despair into worship.

            You see, through the unearthing of old traumas and the fresh grief of loss, God spurred me to seek Him for emotional and spiritual healing.  Rediscovering that God loves you personally and fully and unconditionally is the truest type of healing there is.  And good old God—He was about to emphasize His love again in another setting: a Cursillo weekend.  Cursillo is a spiritual retreat, a learning of basic Christian principles in loving community.  That sentence sounds so sterile.  Those four days were packed with generous, abounding love and prayer and learning.  And playing and laughter and fun, so much joy and worship and fellowship.  It is what church should be.  During that retreat, we celebrated!

            It should come as no surprise that I found the lump the day before the retreat began.  The retreat ensured that I would not even have the chance to slip into worry and self-pity.  Instead, I basked in God’s love and trusted myself to His care—both easy to do in that vibrant Christian community.

            So here I am now on May 26, the night before the imaging, grateful for the peace God has given me during the five weeks of waiting.  I better be honest:  it has not been perfect peace.  Sometimes I have felt deeply afraid.  But as I return to the Father time and again, His peace sustains me.  I'm hoping that lump turns out to be a simple benign cyst.  But even if it is not, I know that I can trust in my Savior’s love to carry me through whatever the future holds.