Fifty Years Ago

Fifty years ago today, during some extremely hot weather in Freiburg, Germany, a friend and I hiked up a small mountain (or was it a big hill?) and had a picnic in a cow pasture. At age 20, I could not even imagine being 70 or what I might be doing on the 250th anniversary of our nation’s founding.

I surely would not have imagined what yesterday and today have been like for me.

My most recent infusion was on June 25^th. Normally, once a week has passed, I’m ready to reenter the world, meaning driving my car and getting out of the house for a while. I’ve come to depend on that. One week of staying home and resting gets balanced out with the two weeks of feeling better until my next infusion.

Assumptions are dangerous when you have cancer. They make reality harder to bear.

Today, like yesterday, I’ve been the type of tired that is not relieved by rest but nonetheless demands it. I get fatigued by relaxing in the recliner, so then I go lie down in bed for an hour or more. Sitting up to write at my computer means I’ll be back in bed again or at the least reclined in my recliner pretty soon here.

But I need to write right now to deal with this unexpected severe fatigue. Is this a fluke? I’ve not been outside and keep my house at 73 degrees. (The air conditioning bill is going to be painful, but feeling warm at all brings on nausea, so keeping cool is worth it. Especially since weeks two and three are marked by nausea anyway. Fortunately, I have two prescriptions that I can choose from, and do, at the first sign of queasiness.)

Could this be my fibromyalgia acting up? It’s hard to sort out what is fibromyalgia and what are side effects from cancer treatment.

And the big, scary question: is this how week two after treatment is going to be from now on?  Or are my white blood cell counts low? (something that has not been a problem this third time with cancer) If it is merely low counts, that can be solved with a shot the day after treatment. If this severe fatigue is a heightened side effect . . . well, I do not know.

So far, I’ve been fortunate that my side effects have been minimal in the larger scheme of things. Yes, I’m borrowing trouble by wondering if that is going to change. I’m feeling afraid, something I claimed in an earlier post that I rarely have experienced in this whole cancer saga.

The problem with severe fatigue is that it is isolating and boring. After a week of staying home, I am tired of staying home with no energy to do anything.

Okay, I’m done complaining for now. I’m going to remind myself that no matter how I feel, God is still present. And I’m going to post this now, then eat something and go rest again.

Thanks for listening.