Side Effects

Wham!!

That’s how last week’s infusion hit me. Fatigue, brain fog, head buzzing, sound sensitivity, and imbalance all played their part. I feel like a cancer patient again.

It turns out that the extra week off treatments is enough time to make me forget the side effects of my miracle drug, Trodelvy, which is handily keeping the cancer at bay and thus extending my life. While it is true that all the above side effects hang around in real time, they get more muted by that third week of respite.

Today is Monday, and the infusion was on Thursday. I’m able to be up and around a bit more, but the off-balance feeling and head buzzing (tinnitus), sound sensitivity, brain fog, and fatigue linger on in their enhanced state. Hopefully they will mute more in the next few days. Oops, I forgot the two that show up on the Sundays after treatment and linger for a while: wobbly knees and shaky hands.

So, I’m not doing much, just little bits here and there, punctuated by more recliner time and usually a silent hour lying down in my darkened bedroom. The sensory stress sends me there if not the fatigue.

And then I start to feel the disconnect between God’s constant care and my lack of motivation. Am I simply wasting precious hours alone here in my house? I think of people who spend their time completing a bucket list of things to do before they die and realize I don’t even have a bucket list other than wanting to declutter my house. Well, that’s not quite true. I also want to spend one-on-one time with my grandchildren, but that requires energy I still do not have.

There are also writing projects that sit, waiting for my efforts. I’m lucky to keep up with blog and church newsletter. Okay, now I’m starting to sound whiny. Enough of that!

I guess the point is wanting to be useful, for my daily life to count for something. But right now, the head buzzing is loud enough that I need to lie down for a while and just relax.