Speech to text: Grief

 

On Sunday the 15th, Pastor Katrina came to visit. She brought prayer beads and a book. The Anglican prayer beads are in the form of a wristlet. But what I want to talk about is the book. Its title is Grief Undone: A Journey with God and Cancer, by Elizabeth W. D. Groves.

Katrina said that to her, the book seemed to have my name written all over it. However, she added that I may or may not wish to read it right now. I wasn't sure if I would or not.

But I did. A few days later when I opened it up, I wondered if I would get past the first page or two. I didn’t know if the topic of grieving for a spouse dying of cancer would be hurtful or helpful. Not that I ever had a spouse die of cancer, but I did sit bedside my sister for two months in 2009 as she died from ovarian cancer. And now, here I am with a recurrence of triple negative breast cancer, which has made me start to think more about my own mortality.

I finished the book last night. Reading it was a profound experience with God. The author’s faith resonated with me. She, her dying husband, and their family experienced so many moments of God's nearness, his beautiful mercies, and his glorious love. That was life affirming for me because I have experienced so much of the same. Like her, I have had people say I am so strong, but I am not. It is Jesus who is strong, my rock, my savior, and my Lord. I have found again, amid cancer, a closer, more precious relationship with Jesus.

The book brought me to tears a few times as I felt the author's profound grief mixed in with the hope of heaven. That doesn't say it strongly enough. Not just the hope of heaven but a glorious inner vision of the reality of believers’ eternal life with Jesus Christ.

The first tears I cried over having cancer again happened during Pastor Katrina’s visit. Those came about as I spoke with her about my grief over this cancer. I hope to live, of course, but if I do not my heart aches for my family. I want to see my grandchildren grow up. I want to be a supportive mom to my daughter and her husband. I want to see my son launched into independence with his own apartment and a stable full-time job.

Right now, I am looking forward to seeing my grandchildren in person again once I am sufficiently healed from my mastectomy. Facetime is nice but not enough. Oh, how I miss them!