Speech to Text: Findings

 It was a relief yesterday to get the gauze bandages removed.

I was told that everything looked good. I am healing well. After the area was wiped down with an antiseptic, new gauze was placed.

The nurse went over the pathology report with me. A new section had been added. No mention was made of stage so I asked her if she knew what it was. Her best guess, since the final determination is made by the surgeon, was stage 2B. Later in the day, I decided to read the copy of the pathology report she gave me. It took a while because there were terms to look up.

Here is my summary:

Stage 2B, grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma. Grade 3 indicates that the cancer is highly aggressive.

Skeletal muscle is present and involved. Carcinoma invades skeletal muscle. All regional lymph nodes negative for tumor.

The type of breast cancer present is triple negative, which is the same type I had eight years ago. Triple negative is considered to be one of the most aggressive forms of breast cancer.

The report gave my recurrence score estimate of 40.2. That is within the possible range from 9 up to 55. What does that mean? There is an increased likelihood of early systemic recurrence. That is the statement that really gets to me.

As all of that information sunk in yesterday evening, I became depressed. Is this what I'm facing for the rest of my life? Treating this local recurrence? And then facing at some point a systemic recurrence? Is the rest of my life going to be defined by cancer treatment? I went to bed depressed and woke up depressed this morning.

It did not help when I accidentally spilled the drainage poured into the little measuring cup. I empty the drain bulb two times a day. And I record the amount drawn to show the nurse at my next appointment. After cleaning up the mess, I had to guess how much had been in the cup. I guessed 15 ml.Hopefully, by next week's appointment, the drain will run dry so that I can have it removed and take showers again!

I was tempted to either try to sleep again or get lost in a solitaire game. Fortunately, I remembered that it was important 2 turn to Jesus for help. Before opening today's devotional from the book sailboat church, I asked God to please speak to me. What I did not expect was how perfect today's devotional would be for me.

This devotional is one that our church’s session is reading to seek God's will for our small church moving forward. The format is like this: a scripture is named, followed by the focus text, which is quoted. Then follows a brief paragraph titled listening to God. It is written in first person, like God is speaking directly to you. What is said relates to the text. Here it is, in quotation marks, and followed by my response.

“Your lack is never the end of the story.”

How I needed to hear that. With cancer treatment, I lack energy. I lack the ability to do much of anything. I wonder what will happen to the plans I have for my future.

“When your resources run out, if you are in the flow of my will, all the resources of heaven are available to you. It grieves me when you forget that I am your source of supply.”

Immediately start to pray. Forgive me for forgetting this so quickly. Thank you for reminding me that I've given my life to you and that you are in control. Open my eyes moment by moment to your will. Help me to fully rely on you, ohh God.

“Praying in the name of Jesus is not magic. It means that you surrender yourself to my will and are willing to be used for my purposes. Let me work through you to do miracles in the lives of others! Together, we can do more than you could ever ask or imagine.”

It seems that surrendering myself to God's will takes place day by day, and often moment by moment. I know that it is easy for me to slip into depression rather than to submit myself to God. Help me, God, to keep coming back to you, for in you alone is abundant life even for someone with cancer.

This morning's experience reminds me that Jesus is my lifeline. It reminds me that he is faithful. It reminds me to keep searching, to keep praying, to keep reading his word. I do not know what the future holds, but i know this: God loves me and God will use this time for his glory. And beyond that, he will keep blessing me with his love.