Part Twenty-Eight: TMI

            Too much information.  Too little faith.  I was beginning to feel like Wonder Woman earlier this week (how quickly pride sneaks in) and now I’m the one that needs rescuing.

            The cancer support group serves a good purpose, but unfortunately one of the side effects is learning about post-cancer treatment health issues.  In other words, things I really did not want to know:  neuropathies, sleeplessness, post-surgery pain, radiation damage, and depression, to name a few.

            Adding in my heart’s desire to NOT do radiation, I did some preliminary research on cancer protocols for stage IIIb breast cancer in general and survival rates for triple negative cancer in particular.  Suddenly fear reappears. 

            With these extra two days off the chemo before starting the twelve-week regimen on Friday, I am feeling better than I have since treatment started at the end of June.  Doctors, nurses, and cancer survivors alike have reassured me that Taxol is much better tolerated than the Adriamycin and Cytoxan of the first two months.  However, the side effects sound all too familiar:  fatigue, achy muscles, and peripheral neuropathy.  All are features of fibromyalgia.

            I’ve never been good at the power of positive thinking, and right now all I can think about is if those chemo side effects will be intensified in me due to the fibromyalgia.  I want to believe that they won’t, but I’m not convincing myself. 

            But wait, there’s more!  (Suddenly those old barkers for TV product specials come into mind.  While I’m not about to sell you a bill of goods, there is something better to buy into than positive thinking versus fear.)

            There is the promise.  At the very beginning of this cancer journey, I told the Lord I really didn’t want to go on it.  His response was peace.  Time and again, Jesus has reassured me that he is carrying me through.  All I have to do is rest in him and take each day as it comes.  He made no promises about how difficult or easy the journey would be, but he promised he would see me through.  

            Ah, I feel the peace filtering through and dissipating the fear.  It’s true that I am not now nor ever will be Wonder Woman, but I don’t need to be.  Jesus, the divine superhero of the universe, is all I need.