Their Devotion

    Their devotion to God wore me out.  After years of trying so hard, I couldn’t try any more.  It was enough to bumble my way through each day.
    What I didn’t fully realize at the time was that I was depressed and angry.  Depressed due to situations beyond my control:  I believe the official term is reactive depression.  Angry because I felt betrayed by God.  My former faith seemed hopelessly naïve.  And I was just plain worn out from too much trauma in too short a time.

    I listened to them talk about God.  I watched them read their Bibles and devotional literature.  I saw them participate in worship that left me cold.  To save face, I guess, I tried to pretend I understood, for at one time I had understood.  But when they or I would leave, I was back in the sinkhole, still angry and still depressed, still slogging my way through each day.

    When I finally took the action I could, I didn’t bother to consult God because I was done second-guessing what he might have to say.  I decided to go with my gut feelings.  I decided to start listening to my inner self. 

    That was the beginning of freedom.  I started making decisions without worrying them to death, afraid of making some terrible or even miniscule mistake.  I started reading recovery literature and started recognizing the codependent craziness I had lived with for so long.  I started to trust God as I also learned to trust myself.

    I took drastic action, quitting my secure job and moving cross country.  It looked crazy, but it felt right.  I would never know unless I took the risk.

    And it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Once I acted, I was more free to be open to God’s action.  He gradually worked His way back into my life again.  He plowed through unbelief with music.  He opened up closed doors through writing.  He got my attention through reading.  And, without me really noticing how it happened, He opened up my heart to the Scriptures again.  What was dead became alive.  What I had doubted showed itself as truth.

    Now when I see them (my daughter and son-in-law) we share the joy of God’s astonishing love.  Devotion is not the effort to try to get in the Father’s good graces; instead, it is joyful response to the grace He has already given.  And, we have found that God has a great sense of humor, speaking to this proper Presbyterian through both Salvation Army sermons and Pentecostal prayer services lest I try to stuff Him, the Uncontainable, in another box.