Part Sixteen: Lost in a Synapse

            Perhaps sifting through old files jogged the memory. Or maybe it got jiggled out through general ponderings; I don’t remember.  And it is not really a memory of any specific moment—rather the first part of a sequence I had forgotten.

            Now that I have piqued your interest, I can bore you with the memory.  It’s this:  when I suddenly started experiencing major fatigue and unpredictable pain in 1996, I muddled along for a long time thinking perhaps I was in perimenopause.  A couple years later, extremely dry eyes joined in with the aches, pains, and general malaise.  I took my complaints to my family doctor.  To his credit, he really listened and did not call me a hypochondriac.  Instead, he did the eighteen trigger point exam for fibromyalgia.  Because the pain was not excruciating, I said it didn’t really hurt.  That, plus my really dry eyes, led to an initial diagnosis for Sjogren’s Syndrome.  Then in 2004, I finally saw a rheumatologist, who, to my surprise, diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.  The diagnosis changed little about my treatment, though, and I continued to live with pain and fatigue cycles that, like the Energizer Bunny, never stopped.

            Okay, the memory about the perimenopause period (pun intended) was supposed to be the whole thing, but then I got on a roll.   I did get kind of stuck on the word “hypochondriac” because I could not remember it.  Finally, when I remembered the first two syllables but not the rest, I realized I could turn to my trusty dictionary and look up “hypo” and thus find that elusive term.  All of this process illustrates so well the title that popped into my brain earlier today: “Lost in a Synapse.”  Maybe these first 300+ words have illustrated for you the mazes of my mind.  An impulse from one nerve cell gets fired across to the next cell, only to sputter out in between or veer off to the wrong destination.  That’s how my fibro brain limps along.

            Memory glitches, watching my mother deteriorate and eventually die from Alzheimer’s disease, and plain old fear have worked my worry synapses quite efficiently, though.  Naturally enough, the one thing I never thought to worry about or fear has become the thing that has come to pass:  triple negative breast cancer.  It goes to show you what a waste worry is. 

            Now I am told that I can blame any memory glitches on chemo brain for the rest of my life, which, added to fibro brain, means I’m off the hook forever!  Instead of worrying every time my synapses misfire, I can just shrug it off and say, “oh, well.” 

            But while I’m on the topic of fibromyalgia + cancer, and while I’m rambling anyway, I want to share some miscellaneous observations from the past week and a half.  The first three days after my first chemo session, I was puzzled by the lack of back pain and right arm pain despite all my recliner-sitting and computer/Kindle use.  Normally that combination is deadly.  I felt genuinely lousy and constantly queasy (next time I’m just going to take the anti-nausea pills instead of thinking it’s not so bad) but remarkably pain-free.  Then suddenly, about day four when I was sick and tired of computer and Kindle and recliner, the pain kicked back in with a vengeance.  Today, I finally understood why:  before the chemo drip was the steroid drip.  Steroids wipe out pain due to inflammation. 

            And as the IV steroids wore off, the mouth sore I had before chemo got way worse; plus, a few more sprouted.  When I called the triage nurse to ask for something to help the mouth sores, she was a little puzzled I was experiencing this particular chemo side effect so soon.  I told her about my already dry mouth from fibromyalgia, and she called in a compound mouthwash prescription.  It is the most expensive bottle of mouthwash I have ever purchased, but it is well worth it.  There was immediate relief after the first dose.  Nystatin, lidocaine, and steroids work wonders.

            Let’s see . . . we’ve talked about brain and pain already.  The next biggie?  Fatigue. It really is to my advantage that I have extensive fatigue experience and that I don’t mind taking naps.  In the past I sometimes wondered if I was just being lazy even though I knew that if I pushed too hard, bad things would follow.  The chemo fatigue comes on more suddenly and forcefully than the fibro fatigue normally did.  Fortunately, I am used to listening to my body and obeying its signals which, by the way, led to my purchase, six years ago, of a high quality, very comfortable memory foam bed.  Every day, I thank God for it.

            Okay.  If you made it this far, you are to be congratulated.  I’ve been in a rambling sort of writing mood, and I thank you for staying with me.  There has to be a clever way to end this ramble, but suddenly I am at a loss for words.  Or maybe lost in another synapse.