Part Forty-Five: Cancer in Three Tenses

            The other day I found myself talking about cancer in past tense.  It surprised me.

            Yes, cancer is past tense in a significant way:  a squeaky clean pathology report showing no evidence of cancer.  None in my breast and none in my lymph nodes.  The chemotherapy did its job.  It may be more accurate to say that the chemotherapy was so successful because of many people’s prayers.  God heard and answered those prayers.  I am grateful.

            Yet, cancer is still present tense in a significant way because radiation is the next step in the cancer treatment protocol.  About six weeks of radiation, five days a week is the standard.  The blessing is that I will receive those treatments right here in Bartlesville.

            In some ways, cancer will continue to be both past tense and present tense in the future.  I have some scars to prove it, though I don’t plan to show them off!   There are also lingering effects from the chemotherapy, such as my increased memory glitches and occasional peripheral neuropathy.  My hair is growing in gray:  believe it or not, I’m excited about that!  However, the white chin hairs I discovered looking in the bathroom mirror last night are not nearly as exciting, and I wonder if my eyebrows will ever look the same.  The sole lymph node removed in surgery gives me a slight chance of developing lymphedema (persistent swelling) in my right arm.  And the radiation . . . well, I hope it will leave nothing but a memory.

            There are larger, more important impacts that I hope never dissipate.  A deeper experience of “the peace that passes understanding.”  A new understanding of what people with cancer go through, a new compassion for their suffering, and a new appreciation of their courage.  More gratitude and joy in things that can easily be taken for granted, such as getting out of the house, taking a short walk, driving my car.  I don’t ever want to forget that all of life, even the insignificant moments, is precious.  I want to be thankful always for what I have and never begrudge what I do not have.

            What I am most grateful for is that God knows what the future holds.  In the last six months I’ve learned, more than ever before, that I can put my trust in Him.  No matter what.