The Present

    There is no time like the present.

    The present, though, is always imperfect.  How often do we waste the present with our “if only’s”?  If only I felt better . . . if only I had more time . . . if only I had more money . . .

    It’s too easy to “if only” away any good we may do.  It’s easier to wait for the perfect time rather than serve God in the present time.

    I had a particularly hard time adjusting to the present after my sister died.  Here I was, back home after a five-day visit that had turned into a two-month hospital vigil.  It felt so good to sleep in my own bed and to stop living out of a suitcase.  But it took awhile to move from the all-consuming present with Anne before she died to the sad present after she died.  I know:  that’s called grief.  I wanted to stay with her.  But instead I had to learn how to live my life without her.

    And it wasn’t just grief that made living in the present so difficult.  I came back exhausted from one caregiving situation—watching my sister die--right into another caregiving situation—watching my mother live as her mind slowly fades.  I was trying to get my bearings back in the present that was far from perfect but, nonetheless, real. 

The breakthrough moment came after a bad case of bronchitis knocked me down.  My days were reduced to sleeping, doing breathing treatments, and reading when I was awake enough to concentrate.  I wanted to be back in choir.  I wanted to be able to talk without coughing.  I didn’t want to be sick.  Somehow God broke through my misery to let me know the present was now.  I needed to live and love Him in the present, which meant I needed to rest and take care of myself, and I needed to be gracious and patient with Mom no matter how lousy I felt.  No, there was nothing grand to be accomplished in this present.  There were just the boring little details of a circumscribed life.  But I could offer my measly present to God and ask Him to help me through it and be open to His presence in the present.  So I did—very imperfectly, of course.  There was no technicolor moment of spiritual rapture or instantaneous healing or perfect inner peace, just another coughing fit.

Every day, I want to set aside the “if only’s” of my life and embrace the present moment fully. After all, how I live in the present is the only present I can offer to God.