After the Bell Rings

Last week I did better than usual after my infusion, even driving on Saturday to pick up my online Walmart grocery order. The crash came Sunday morning after a restless night.

At first, I wondered if I was simply expecting to feel worse, but a complete loss of energy plus dizziness kept me from doing my lymphedema prevention stretches. I shuffled out to the recliner and there I stayed until I went back to bed for a nap later.

The back pain had commenced, so I took a pain pill, which put me into a twilight zone type of sleep: doze for five minutes, wake up, doze again. That’s how I spent the morning. I don’t know how to explain the overall discomfort, but it did not reach the point of pain. That’s pretty much how I spend Sunday and Monday, in a haze.

On Monday I hit a new emotional low and shed many tears after my son did not come through for me on a simple task. I’ve not cried about this cancer once; perhaps, I simply needed the release. I called my daughter, and having her listen to me helped a great deal.

Finally, on Tuesday around 1:30 pm I came out from under the cloud long enough to take a shower, which I had not done for several days because of my poor balance. That helped me so much. The next two days I slept away the mornings and stayed in my pajamas all day.

The bright spot in each day this week has been listening to Fernando Ortega’s album, Come Down O Love Divine. Each song speaks to me, drawing me into worship and praise and reminding me Who is in charge.

The truth about cancer treatment is that once you’re done, you’re still not done. The immediate chemotherapy effects linger on as well as the fraught question: will the cancer come back?

I’ve had several people ask me if there will be a scan now that I’m done with the infusions. The answer is no. The mastectomy removed all the visible cancer from my body, but there is always the possibility that stray cells linger somewhere in waiting. There simply is no sophisticated enough imaging technology to detect rogue cells. Other types of breast cancer have targeted therapies in the form of pills to take to reduce the recurrence risk, but triple negative breast cancer does not.

So that leaves me at the end of cancer treatment with no guarantees. But I do not wish to live the rest of my life worrying about a recurrence. The last song in the album, “Aaron’s Blessing,” repeats the words of Numbers 6: 24-26, which give a promise I plan to cling to:

“The Lord bless you and keep you;
²⁵ The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
²⁶ The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”

The promise of God’s peace is enough. His peace is not dependent upon circumstances. His peace will carry me through whatever the future holds. Of that, I am sure.