Day Three

Differentiated Diagnosis, Positive Prognosis

            To my utter surprise, I turned down mini eclairs and homemade Christmas cookies last night with nary a problem.  Evidently, “wheat-free” provides an inner strength that “diet” doesn’t.  However, I am not out of the woods yet (as evidenced by the scenery out my window).

            Right here with me, though, is my alter ego, Dr. Jan, who loves to pretend she is a bona fide physician even though her last science class was general biology for non-science majors at Grinnell College.  (The fortuitous—that spelling took only two trips to the dictionary—liberal curriculum of the 1970s allowed me to navigate around science and mathematics, which preserved my grade point average.)

            However, a lack of science does not a lack of medical interest make.  And my life has provided plenty of medical interest.  I research everything remotely related to medical conditions of self, family, and friends:  thus, my self-appointed moniker of Dr. Jan.

            With my science background in mind, then, you are encouraged to take everything I say with a healthy dose of salt—or Mrs. Dash if you are on a salt-free diet. 

            Here it is only day three of my wheat-free existence, and I have already come up with a subjective yet detailed differential diagnosis of pain.  (I’m sounding like a hypochondriac even to myself, though I will point out that both subtle and overt possibilities of humor drive me into excessive detail.)  The first two pain factors currently coexist . . . oops, I miscounted, but that does not mean you should discount me . . . there is actually just one pain factor plus a fatigue factor.  

            Through my own careful analysis plus the help of my friendly calico cat, I recognize that first pain as originating from fibromyalgia trigger points.  The stabbing jabs between my shoulders as I sit and type are the chief symptom.  Melody (my cat) tests most trigger points on a daily basis with her kneading.  I did not fully realize her accuracy until the other day when she unexpectedly chose a trigger-free spot:  until that soothing moment, I believed she had paws of steel.

            The fatigue factor (which I mistakenly counted a paragraph ago as a pain factor) still shows up after I eat starchy vegetables.  The dip isn’t nearly as deep as it was until just three days ago, which leads me to believe I am entering the plains of stable blood sugar. 

            Now, before you get too tired of my endless alliteration and droning details, l will abruptly move to the third factor and my conclusion:  evidently, wheat was causing much of my digestive distress and general malaise.  So even though I am not pain-free, I am more pain-free than I have been since stopping NSAIDs.  All of this is to say that I have a positive prognosis as long as I can refuse wheat.  I’ll just say no.