One word
closely summarizes my life: fear.
Fear--a
terrible, constraining force—paralyzes. It
hinders. It keeps me cooped up in my
cocoon even after the Holy Spirit’s transformation which gives me the strength to
break loose and the freedom to fly.
The fear I’m
thinking about is not a healthy fear. This
fear, instead of protecting my life, imprisons my soul. This fear is pernicious, but it is easy to
deny, easier to rationalize, and easiest to ignore since I am so used to it.
This week I faced
two specific fears out of necessity but only through the Spirit. I’ll start with the second: driving in Seattle. For four years I have lived on Whidbey Island
and never driven my car past Everett. (And
I only drove to Everett once.) After
almost twenty years in small-town Kansas, I am unpracticed and just plain old
scared of city traffic. My fear bound me
to the island and points north. But on
Saturday, a Tri-Presbytery training session for General Assembly commissioners
and alternates was held at the Seattle Presbytery Office. I was the only one attending from the island;
thus, I had to drive or not go. I
drove. Oh, I spent plenty of time
preparing: printing the MapQuest driving
directions, poring over map details, practically memorizing the route, and
praying. You see, I tend to panic in
traffic. So I prayed for peace and for
not acting out of panic, which usually results in me getting lost or doing some
pretty dumb driving maneuvers. And, yes,
I did miss my last turn, but at least it was not from panicking. After a few blocks it became evident that I
had continued on 15th Street instead of catching the curve to
Columbian Way. It was easy to turn
around and find my way back. The further
test came on the afternoon drive home. During
the morning drive in, traffic had been mercifully light. Now, however, it was stop and go on the
freeway for a good ten miles. I found
that I don’t mind packed lanes moving at slow speeds, especially when I know
which lane to stay in.
Now, back to a more important
particular fear. Facing it was prompted
by a conversation with my daughter and a dream.
I’m not sure how to provide the details without writing a book, but
conversation and dream boiled down to God’s nudge to pray with my mother. Why I have been so fearful of initiating
prayer with her is anyone’s guess. (Perhaps
another book lies in that sentence!) Let’s
just jump to the end of my visit with her on Friday afternoon when I put my arm
around her shoulder and said, “I’d like to pray with you, Mom.” I thanked God for our nice visit, asked him
to be very close to her, and thanked him I would get to see her in a few
days. Her response blew me away: she was moved to tears. It was as if I had thrown her a life line. My very simple prayer met a deep need in her
soul and brought her comfort. Guess what
I’m going to do every time I visit now?
So, twice in
one week I have faced down fear. But, I can
assure you, it was not by my own power or my own strength. God’s words to a fellow named Zerubabbel
helped me: “Not by might, nor by power,
but by my spirit, says the LORD of hosts” (Zechariah 4:6, NRSV). If our great and wonderful God can help me
face down my fears, no matter how big or small, I’m sure he can help you face
yours, too.
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