Complaints and Prayer

 Recently, I realized that I have been receiving chemo/immunotherapy for eight months. That is twice as long as the chemotherapy I had with either of the two previous triple-negative breast cancers.

Truth be told, I am tired of having cancer—though I hasten to say I am very thankful that the treatments are working so well. Here’s what I’ve noticed so far.

I need a full week after my treatment devoted to rest. I’ve learned that the best way to handle those days is to stay home and, as I can, do a few little 5-10 minute tasks each day, things like putting dishes away or starting a load of laundry. That at least gets me moving more and makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. You might think that I would be reading books, but my concentration level usually is not up to that.

Then, during the two weeks before my next treatment when I’m feeling better, I try to get out of the house every day, which usually means short errands. And I love being able to drive myself over to see the grandkids. (Dana and Shawn are good about picking me up otherwise.)

In addition to getting fatigued easily, I sometimes need sensory time-outs resting in my quiet, dark bedroom.

Now, those are the general guidelines. Sometimes a surprise pops up, like not feeling good on a day I am “supposed” to feel good. Or unexpectedly and suddenly completely running out of energy.

Though eight months is a long time, I hope for a much longer time to live with cancer. Yet, the limitations do bother me at times.

One morning last week, I was reading Psalm 80 and really liked the line, “O God of Hosts, restore us.” So, I made a little change and wrote a prayer, which I am revising and editing as I copy it here:

O God of Hosts, restore me. I am tired of cancer. I am tired of my limitations and same old routines every day.

O God of Hosts, restore me. I miss clarity of mind. I miss being able to focus as well as I used to. I also miss being able to move freely, such as taking a walk longer than a block to enjoy the outdoors.

O God of Hosts, restore me. Help me discover new patterns of living within my limitations that are life-giving.

O God of Hosts, restore me. Help me live into Your presence and purpose throughout each day and appreciate anew the gifts of the present.

O God of Hosts, thank You for life itself!