"Saving the Best for Last"

Pondering the title of Pastor Katrina’s January 18^th sermon, I find myself turning to a personal application of God’s work in my life. He has saved the best for last.

I have several answers to when “the last” began. Moving to Whidbey Island, Washington in June 2008 to help my youngest brother care for our mother was one definite beginning. My world had been rocked by unusually difficult times since 2000. I still was not sure where I would end up in my faith journey. The 5 ½ years that followed my move to the island provided a new beginning, gradually established with a firm foundation. To this day, I do not know all that the Holy Spirit did in my life during that time, save that he removed much of the fear of people that had ruled my childhood, teen years, and adulthood. And how that was done I do not know, just that I was gradually changed.

My move to Bartlesville in 2013 and being involved in my grandchildren’s lives was the start of another “best for last.” (Sadly, my own children did not have that experience, with grandparents hundreds of miles away. Nor did I after age seven when my maternal grandfather died.) I never expected that I would experience the blessing of living in the same community as my daughter, son-in-law, their children, and my son.

Serving as a pastor at Good Shepherd was another unexpected “best for last.”  It was the fulfillment of an almost lifelong call and dream. 

And here comes the shocker: three times with cancer is my final “best for last.” I would rather not have cancer, but the blessings God has given me while enduring it are enormous. Each occurrence has made me draw closer to God, enriching my faith, this third time especially. I always thought that having cancer, especially stage IV cancer, would be terrifying. It is not. I have found, much to my surprise, that I fully trust in Jesus and do not fear the end of life. I am okay with God’s timetable, whatever that is, though I would prefer more rather than less time. He has given me a peace that I could never manufacture. What the apostle Paul wrote in Philippians is true: “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” What greater gift is there than that?

*To be totally honest, the day after writing this, I was smacked down by a wave of discouragement over my lack of energy even on a “good” day. (Doing two short errands completely depleted me.) Later, scrolling through Google news on my phone, I ran into an October 14, 2022, blog post by Joni Eareckson Tada titled “What Does It Look Like to Persevere in Trials?” She writes, “But if I run to God in my moments of need, he will provide endurance for my trials. Endurance is his gift to me!”

If you need encouragement today, check out Joni’s blog and read Romans 15:5 and James 1:12. God is faithful.

 

Starting Up Again

 Last Thursday (January 8), I received my infusion. I’m continuing Trudolvy, which is a chemotherapy wrapped in antibodies that target the protein on cancer cells.

Soon after I arrived for my 9 am appointment, everyone was herded down to the basement due to a tornado warning. There we sat for the next 40 minutes or so until the danger passed. Even with the delayed start, I was done with my treatment by 1:30 pm.

The strange brain fog feeling plus fatigue stayed for a good part of the day, making it hard to think clearly. More fatigue followed on Friday and Saturday, then shakiness on Sunday. Yesterday (Monday) and today have been better. I hope I can drive tomorrow to have my labs done locally, then stop by Hopestone to pick up my meals for the week and visit with a friend who volunteers there. Thankfully, my son is always available to chauffeur me around town as needed. Thursday will be another infusion, and we’ll start the side effects again.

Acceptance, I find, goes a long way towards dealing with the side effects from my treatment regimen. Bemoaning the fact that I’m not up to par only makes things worse. I’m grateful that the side effects I’ve experienced since beginning treatment in October have been much milder than the first two times I had cancer. I’ve learned to adjust my activities (or lack thereof!) each day and am getting a clearer sense of when I can be up and around, when I need to relax in my recliner, and when I need to go lie down for an hour or so.

The one thing I can count on is starting each day with prayer and meditating on a few verses. Right now, I am slowly working my way through Ephesians. That time grounds me and reminds me that God is in control. I don’t need to worry because whether in life or in death, Jesus is my outcome!

What I Learned

 I spoke too soon.

These past few weeks since my PET scan, I’ve been happily cruising along and gaining a little more energy each day. But yesterday, I learned firsthand how a lack of knowledge can mislead you into thinking you know it all.

Calling in to Hopestone Cancer Support Center yesterday, I spoke with the director about my good news. She rejoiced with me but then filled me in with details I did not want to hear. They boil down to this: treatments must continue to keep the cancer at bay. Obviously, the Trudolvy is working very well, but metastatic triple negative breast cancer is aggressive and sneaky. Without treatments, it will come back even harder. Debbie has had years of experience with helping cancer patients, and maintenance chemotherapy is what prolongs the lives of those with stage IV cancer. As happened after my first and second rounds of cancer, stray cancer cells hung around and eventually got active again. (No one know what triggers that activity.) I was blessed to have eight years of remission after the first cancer. After the second cancer, I had a mere 8-9 months before it returned. Ouch.

It is so, so hard to think of being weak and fatigued now that I’ve had a taste of energy and hope of being cancer free. I’m glad she explained the need for maintenance chemo to me, though: otherwise, I would have been completely devastated when I see Dr. Moussa later today. . . .

Dr. Moussa was very pleased with the PET scan as well as today’s bloodwork. Though my cancer is in remission, treatments must continue to prevent any stray cancer cells from multiplying and spreading. We will follow the same treatment plan: infusion two Thursdays in a row followed by a week off. Tomorrow will be my fourth infusion. He says that after I have completed six infusions, he will look at a possible dose reduction and/or longer times between infusions.

Early this morning, I felt defeated and depressed, so I prayed, telling God all about my disappointment and asking for his strength to endure. Then, as I often do, I went back to bed for a few hours. I rested, maybe dozed on and off, and found myself thanking God for his help. By the time I woke up, the sense of defeat and depression were gone. You see, our Triune God is ever faithful. He will see me through.